all work and no play...

why do i always feel like i am going to puke after i see you, why are you so intriguing to me, why do i think about you all night and the way you rested your head on my shoulder tonight. you make me so nervous. i wish i didnt get called into work tonight cause i just enjoyed sitting beside you. i wish i could tell you exactly how i feel and that i wasnt scared to death you would hate me for it.

**how blessed we are for crying now for we will laugh some day and how...**

i could change the world...

so besides girls and love there are two main thoughts that dominate my mind the first is more negative like the way that i feel unworthy to live a christian life or maybe that i am not living one and i have missed the boat. maybe you could say i worry that i am fake a lot. this is a battle every day but i think that it is a good thing and the weakness of my flesh is the way that God is glorified through my life. i suppose paul and i both think we are the least of all teh saints.(eph 3:8)
the second thing that i think is that i will change the world not in the way that you finally realize that you do add something to life. not like that one christmas show its a wonderful life. but in a huge crazy way i guess i just think that there is something great in me and it will change the world. it wont be like i write books or make movies it will be the kind of famous that people write books and make movies about me. maybe my heart is just full of pride but sometimes when people ask me what i want to do with my life i just want to grag them by the face pull them real close and say im going to change the world some how some way this world will be changed by my life. maybe you think im a little crazy and maybe you think im bi-polar, maybe i am a little nuts but maybe youll see it in your lifetime maybe the way i change the world will happen while youre around. and maybe i will just lead a quiet little life and live in springfield who knows... its just that i have this dream...

moving day!

im leaving the garage. i am moving in with my rock star friend jeremy larson and i am pretty excited about that. i will ive with him until may and i think then kaleb and i will get a place. i think it will be a good move for me. i am tired of living with 4 other guys its just way too much and being the only single one they all just want time with their girls. lame for sure.
i have watched some movies this week and magnolia is for sure my favorite i think i will own it one day. but i also watched blow. its pretty good although i felt like after i watched it that it wouldnt be such a bad life smuggling drugs i mean i know it would be but the movie sorta glorified it. it was interesting though that he never had enough of anything but the part that made me think the most was when his wife told him that he was a loser cause he had no more money and he had become everything he said he never would be. its sad at the end but i dont know if i would go see him either.
the movie made me think about what i want to be asnd what i say i never will be and if i ever could be that. and i think that i always want to live a life that is honoring to God and that is something that could very easily be lost. i know that i will only be able to life that life if the grace of God lets. so i guess Lord willing i will always live a life that is pleasing to God and i will never become the things that i say i dont want to be...thats all really

you could change my life...

thinking baout the future what i will do once i graduate college in 5 months (tentatively) and what that will look like is still as confusing as ever. i thought i would just go to sms and get a degree in photography but im not sure i am taking a continuing education class (advanced photography) on tuesday nights with john and kaleb. maybe that will help me be more sure about it. i think about ponderosa and how it has changed my life and how i cant really afford to go back but it would deffinately be worth it. and then i think how is it that i can just be friends with a girl and that could effect what decision i make. how could i think im not sure what i will do this summer cause im not sure if we will be just friends or something else. i guess i can assume though that like most things this one wont work out either. so how can i let it effect me plans for life. i think maybe this week i will just tell michelle exactly how i feel when she is awake this time since i had the practice un while she was asleep. maybe it will be the end of hangin out with her maybe it will be the end of a nice friendship but i still have the fact that i had a life just a couple months ago before we hung out and if that changes im sure there will be some time when another girl comes to distract me. plus why would i just get more atached to someone who wants nothing to do with me.
how did this happen how am i such a mess when did life start taking over i feel like im along for teh ride and wherever life wants to go it does and i just get dragged along. maybe i should just sleep more...

its been a good week...

so i went to dinner on thursday and i felt like i might puke all day friday and saturday cause i was so nervous. if you knew me i mean if you know me then that probably is no surprise i have so much slef confidence until it comes to girls then well i am a mess for sure. saturday night after work i was debating on wether or not to go over to michelles but i thought it would be a good thing to see her so i stopped by and she was at her neighbors house cecil is a very funny black man who comes from a family of preachers so he preaches sometimes but it gets more interesting the more he drinks. after that we went back up to her house and we talked for a while maybe an hour she fell asleep and then i said hey michelle are you asleep and she didnt answer so i then said there are some things i have been meaning to tell you and i confessed how i felt to her and just looked at her pretty little face while she slept for a while. maybe one day i will tell her how i feel while she is awake.
turned in all my film on saturday so i will get back pictures on tuesday and since it is 0 degrees outside i am ready for a rush of warm summer thoughts of california and wishes to be there. and it helps that aaron and amanda will be here soon! in a week actually. life is good...

sleepless nights...

of course my nights are sleepless but thats because im working... i mean maybe sleepless days but that doesnt sound right maybe a sleepless life. i went to kansas city with michelle today after i got off work and then came strait to work form her house once we got back. its a good feeling to walk back into work waring the same clothes you left in not having been home yet! and then thinking about how you are going to wear those same clothes to class because you start that tomorrow... yeah college is great life is great im having fun. school tomorrow and thats cool i mean i am pretty ready to be done.

yeah 2005 this is my year...

so im pretty tired but it is the kind of tired that i am gunna be able to live through the kinda tired that is worth it cause you talked all night to a girl you like then saw her the next day and finally had the guts to ask her to dinner and she totally said yess. i mean that is tired you can live with and face teh facts that there are plenty more nights that i will choose to talk to her instead of sleep and think every minute was worth it as i struggle to keep my eyes open. so thursday is the big night and of course i thought it would be a great idea to take her to digiacintos i mean she loves italian and i think its the best place to eat foods great and its a little romantic. plus then the girls at work can tell me what they think not that it matters cause i think michelle is great its just nice to hear other people say the same. and im sure they will becuase there isnt anything not to like about her.
lauren sibets dad gave me a camera for christmas and i think i am going to take a roll of film on it and then get it developed and i also think i am going to get the pictures from camp developed soon since aaron is coming i mean i gotta have something to show him. so once that happens i will get some more pictures on the site. hope all is well...

today i scared kaleb!

ok so after i decided that i would sleep rather than attend church i meandered around until 8 when i made it home and fell asleep. kaleb woke me up at 9 and then when i wasnt up at 9 20 he tried to get me up again since shaking wasnt working he tried a new tacticpulling my covers off when the garage was freezing. it worked i was out of bed but much to his suprise i jumped up and chased him he ran like a little girl and i just laughed and told him i was kidding and fell asleep again. he left me alone. when i went to church tonight there were severalpeople who asked me why i tried to kill kaleb. i think he was pretty scared and i guess you might be also if this big boy came flying out of bed half naked chasing you.
church was good tonight we are in philemon and will be for several weeks so thats always interesting. puritan steve is preaching and he never changes tone pitch or anything so it is a good thing that his topics are interesting or i would be lost forever.
hung out over at marisha and maries tonight with everyone we had smores because they have a fondu style smore cooker isnt that sweet. it was fun and the best part was just beingaround people. i wasnt going to go cause i wanted to see michelle but i went and left half an hour before i had to be at work so that i could swing by michelles and it was nice to see her. and benji i talked to him while he played need for speed. michelle was at their neighbor cecils playing catch phrase. cecil and kerry are her black neighbors who are super nice. and their sons name is malike how cool is that.
my friends john and angie just got back from florida a week ago they were visiting angies mother who is sick. she isnt well and angie seemed pretty down tonight. i cant imagine what it would be like to see the person who has looked after you your whole life sick and helpless. you know im for sure a mommas boy cause i have a mom tattoo and i dont think i could handle it. it makes me sad for ang and i wish i could do something for them so i will pray and i think maybe you guys could pray for her family also.

trusting the one who prepared this path...

i worked tonight from 2 until 11 but it was pretty sweet cause i made 50 bucks in tips plus the 6 bucks an hour unfortunately i got a call that i was supposed to be at the hotel at 11 since i work at 2 hotels sometimes it would be nice if their schedules said the same thing and all i could really think was how much i just wanted to see michelle tonight. im not sure why i had to work i mean i guess i know why basically i was scheduled. i just dont understand why i am the one who gets to work 7 days in a row. i guess i signed up for the job so i get to do it. and i shouldnt complain i am glad that i can pay my bills. God has sure blessed me there. hopefully i will be able to spend the money to get the pictures i took this summer developed before i see aaron in february i mean we have to have a picture night. oh and by the way i know camp pays for your hotel and all but where are you guys staying also we can eat at teh resteraunt i work at. man i would love to introduce you to some frineds. ok well let me know about all that and i can probably i mean i know i can get you a cheaper room than where you guys were last time and i think that my hotel has cooler people who work there. like me. ok well ii have 3 more hours of work and yeah nothing to do. but i am ok with being here i just have to keep telling myself that.

pimp my ride

so when i work all night themost interesting thing on television is pimp my ride or wanna come in or room raiders(most of the time its too shady though) you know mtv stuff. its just wierd to me that the *best thing that ever happened to me* could be some one spending 20,000 on my pos car. i wonder how long it takes for people to get get bored with satellite television and a stereo system that will burst their eardrums and collapse thier chest. how many video games can you really handle playing in the back seat of your car. maybe i just havent ever experienced this joy and if i had i could spend countless hours in my car playing halo 2 or fable something like that. i dont know. i just thought how sad it was that a cool car could be the best thing that ever happened to you or that you really feel like people will like you more for the car you drive... oh man look at that car i bet he is the coolest guy i hope i get to know him. maybe he will let me take a ride. i thought about the first chapter in the pursuit of God by tozer called the blessedness of owning nothing. i committed to have a budget this year and once i wrote on paper how much money i make and all my bills i think that i will get to know that joy for sure. growing up and paying all your own bills is tougher than i thought it ever would be. this is why i live in a garage where i can see my breath in the mornings because its 5 degrees outside. even working 2 jobs i am not sure how i will make ends meet and i think maybe this is the best thing that has aever happened to me. i will have more time to stay home and hopefully this leads to more serious time with God adn that leads to a more serious life. i dunno then maybe i will look at the vast expanse that God crossed for me to have a relationship with him and i will say that is the best thing that has ever happened to me christ condescending and stooping to meet me where i am. that is a blessed thought.
if you made it this far i just thought i would let you know i like michelle now and brittany also im not sure what michelle thinks of me but i sure love hanging out with her. i think she is a pretty enough girl but that isnt it. her little brother ben lives with her and her brother robert. ben is 16 and she is his gaurdian she takes complete care of him and that makes her so attractive to me. the way she is running her life taking care of her family and keeping everything together i think that is what i am looking for and she has it. hopefully i get to hang otu with her tomorrow cause i been thinking about her a lot this week. plus i really like ben he is a pretty cool kidd so i love talking to him when i am over at her house. just for a point of reference to pondi workers michelle is kim henrys older sister and if you wondered kim moved to detroit and i think her and lee are getting engaged adn probably married soon. huh who knew...

i am resolved...

i think that sometimes i settle for mediocre. why am i not patient enough to wait on the best thing. im not talking about girls right now although there are so many things i would love to tell you all about every girl i think is great but i think that you know it doesnt matter. this summer mike said that we shouldnt live life like we are sitting at the bus stop waiting for something to happen but the more i have searched and the more i have tried to experience things so that i can know where i am going and what i am doing the more i think that is like waiting at the bus stop. the journey begins on teh narrow road i feel so alive when i am in tune with God and persuing him through discipline and abstaining from the things i am curious about. i dont think im hollier than you because im sure we all know ourselves and what i see makes me sick. God please let me know and grant me teh grace to run after you and seek you with all that i am and all you have created me to be for teh glory of your name. let me consider your word with fear and reverence when i am walking around this world. i am a pilgram in search of a city and you are its maker so let me find you and it and not be stained by this world. let me be resolved...